As a therapist who supports many parents of neurodivergent children, I often see a pattern that’s both beautiful and intense: one parent or carer becomes the emotional barometer for their child. In other words, the child (who might also have challenges in interoception and emotional regulation) learns to rely almost entirely on someone else to gauge and manage how they feel.

What This Looks Like (and Why It Makes Sense)

Neurodivergent kids frequently struggle to sense internal emotional cues, thanks to interoceptive differences common in autism and ADHD. When they struggle to read the internal signals of hunger, tension, anxiety, or overwhelm, they naturally turn outward, to the person who can sense those shifts and help them.

This dynamic isn’t a deficit. It’s implicitly trusting. It reflects the child saying: “I can’t find this inside, but I know you can.”

This is called co-regulation, a dynamic, ongoing, mutual emotional exchange between two people. It’s all about connection, where one nervous system tunes into another. Co-regulation is something we all need, we’re wired for it after all. But for neurodivergent children, who are often navigating a world not designed for their sensory and cognitive needs, it becomes even more vital. The emotional load of constant adaptation can be huge, and having a trusted adult as an external anchor can make all the difference. It’s no wonder that sometimes this becomes a reliance where a particular parent is constantly looked to for emotional stability.

In my work supporting parents in neurodivergent families, I often see this. I believe it’s a sign of deep relational safety. And yet, for the parent who becomes the emotional barometer, it can also be utterly exhausting. Being the constant source of regulation often means they can’t leave their child for long, and struggle to replenish themselves. The bond is strong, but the cost can be high.

How to Support This Reliance with Compassion

1. Notice and name it

Acknowledge the trust that this dynamic reflects: “It feels like you’re checking in with me to see how things are.” This can help bring attention to something which is not often conscious. Although there is no shame in looking for regulation from another in this way, we might want our children to gradually start to take on more independence and, in order to do this, they need to be aware of what is happening.

2. Practise low‑demand parenting

Many neurodivergent families use low demand parenting approaches. From the outside this is often seen as a let-them-get-away-with-anything approach, but the reality is far from this. Low-demand parenting is not just permissive, it’s responsive to the child’s needs. There are still rules and boundaries but where traditional parenting approaches often increase anxiety for neurodivergent children, low demand approaches reduce unnecessary pressure, prioritise autonomy, and gently honour a child’s pace and sensory world. This approach can be especially helpful for children who are PDAers (Pathological Demand Avoidant or the more affirming term, Persistent Drive for Autonomy). It can be just the environment needed to reduce the risk of long-term burnout and allow children to recover without feeling trapped by external demands.

So by all means, continue to use low demand approaches if they’re working for your child, but ensure that you are still putting in the boundaries so your needs and the rest of the family’s are catered for wherever possible.

3. Build small interoceptive skills

Even simple prompts help. and using declarative language (that doesn’t need a reply) can keep things calm. You could mention “I notice your hands are tight, sometimes my body feels tense like that when I’m worried.” (When they are dysregulated/having a meltdown or shut down, they will not be able likely to engage with this so it’s worth picking a time when you notice that they are starting to calm.

You could also use sensory tools; weighted blankets, paced breathing, jumping on a trampoline etc for body awareness check‑ins. Kelly Mahler has some excellent resources on building interoceptive skills.

4. Take care of your own regulation

Your emotional state influences theirs. Tuning into your own needs and practising self-compassion isn’t indulgent, it’s a vital part of supporting your child.

It’s easy to feel like you need to hide any anxiety or difficult feelings to stay strong for your child. But neurodivergent children often pick up on unspoken cues, and when your words don’t match how you’re really feeling, it can create more confusion for them.

Instead, try modelling what it looks like to notice and care for your emotions. Rather than pushing discomfort away, you can gently name it and show how you respond. You might say, “I’m feeling a bit sad today, so I’m going to have a quiet moment to look after myself.”

This helps children learn that emotions are natural, that we don’t always have to be “ok,” and that looking after ourselves is something we can all learn to do, together.

A Gentle Day-to-Day Toolkit

• Check in with “you”: “What do I need right now? A pause? A breath? A snack?”
• Use curiosity language: “I wonder if your body is feeling tense. I know mine does when I’m annoyed about something”
• Hold space without fixing: Sometimes being with the emotions without looking for resolution is the regulation needed.

When your child learns to trust you to hold their emotions and you’re genuinely listening and attuned, they begin to trust themselves more over time.

If you’re a parent navigating these dynamics, I share more insights, strategies, and gentle support in my Parent Workshop, available now in my online course library. . It’s designed to help you feel more resourced, connected, and affirmed in your role.

And for therapists, educators, and advocates, my upcoming book, Neurodivergent Affirming Therapy: Rethinking Approaches for Autistic and ADHD Clients, will be published by JKP in May 2026. It explores how we can rethink emotional regulation, co-regulation, and therapeutic relationships through a neurodivergent-affirming lens.