Have you ever felt like there are two parts to you – the public part that you present to the world at work, school or social gatherings, and the private part – the part where you are really yourself? Most of us will have a side we present to the world. Usually this is the bit we feel is the most acceptable, polite or restrained side of us. But masking is taking this another huge step further. Masking for a neurodivergent person is hiding what they are experiencing (anxiety, panic, shame) in order to fit in and go unnoticed.

Neurodivergence means having a different way of thinking, processing and sometimes acting from the typical person. But because the world and our systems in it (school etc), are built by and for Neurotypical people, neurodivergent people can struggle to make sense of it sometimes.

Our society dictates we have to be a particular way; we have to be polite to everyone and always be honest (well, except when the truth might hurt someone, then we must lie to protect them!). We have to laugh at jokes even if we don’t really find them funny. We are supposed to like hanging out in big groups and having loud parties. If we don’t, and we’d rather just read a book, listen to music or be alone, we’re often seen as boring or aloof. It is like there is only one way of having fun. What we do and how we do it, all seems to be prescribed to us.

So masking therefore ends up being necessary for most neurodivergent people as we learn to navigate life. And this is the difference between neurodivergent masking and social niceties. Masking is a survival strategy, the suppression of natural instincts and urges, the scripting and rehearsing of interactions.

Many neurodivergent folks will recall the pain of times where they were called ‘weird’, ‘boring’ or ‘awkward’ when they are just being themselves. So perhaps it’s best to bury that completely then, and build a persona which fits others’ expectations?!

Autistic masking or ADHD masking is a tool which has often been mastered over years of being in social situations and working out what the best way to act is in order to feel like you fit in. All the years of studying of body language, tone of voice and other nuances of social behaviour help with developing a greater empathy for others, heightened intuition and often, a cracking sense of humour (impersonating people, accents etc is often a speciality). As an AuDHD therapist I can see that my useful skill of being able to read different people has been honed from years of masking and adapting to others.

Masking can include more obvious things such as suppressing autistic or ADHD traits (stimming for example) in public for fear of people noticing. But it can also include more subtle things such as planning out conversation topics in advance, going quiet in groups when you’re usually quite talkative, or even forcing eye contact or certain facial expressions which you feel is expected. As a lot of this is done at a sub conscious level (especially for those late identified or diagnosed), it can take a long time to recognise this is what you are doing. Perhaps you just notice you are shattered after being in a crowd, or maybe you notice a pattern of feeling unwell after a big social event. You might just think that you’re being grumpy, when in fact it’s because you’re overwhelmed.

Masking a lot of the time can be completely exhausting. It takes a lot of focus and energy to keep that up. For many children for example, their school lives demand so much masking of them that they end up withdrawing from school completely (After School Restraint Collapse, previously called school refusal). This can also happen frequently in adults when masking becomes too hard. What’s really happening here is autistic or ADHD burnout. This is when jobs can be lost, friendships strained and lives can fall apart. It can take a long time to recover from burnout – take a look at my ‘Burnout Bundle’ in our shop for some ideas.

In addition, masking for so long can leave you struggling with your identity and sense of self – wondering where the ‘real’ you is as you shift, chameleon-like, through life’s events. Over time masking can lead to low self worth and even identity crises.

Masking is not all bad. Despite the toll it can take on us, it can have its benefits; it can help many you make friends easier, help you prepare for situations, perform a particular task at work or help you to manage your anxiety in social situations.

Effective Coping Strategies for Neurodivergent Masking

Self awareness

Just reading this article is a great first step in identifying if you’re masking, and will hopefully help you explore what your experience has been. Building your self awareness by reading about neurodivergence or following real life ND people on social media can really help to highlight your ways of coping. Seeking counselling can also be helpful for this. I also have an article 3 Ways To Be More Self Aware which might be helpful.

Identity

If you’re not able to be yourself in most situations, what does that do to your sense of self? Maybe it feels like your real self would be judged or ridiculed. Or maybe you’ve acted this way for so long you don’t even know who you are underneath the mask. It may be that you have moulded yourself to fit what you think others’ want of you so much, that you don’t even know what your favourite food is, or what your opinion on something really is.

I often see neurodivergent clients who struggle with a sense of identity. Asking themselves who is the real me?

A good way to start building this is writing down what it is that makes you tick. Spend some time thinking about what you are really like, and what you’re really passionate about. try some of these journaling prompts to get you started

• What in my life am I most proud of?
• List three positive qualities about myself
• When did I feel most brave?
• What makes me excited?
• What roles do I play in my life? (Daughter/son, employee, student etc)
• What kind of person am I in each of these roles?
• What three good things that happened today? (If you struggle with this, remember even the smallest things like having a tasty meal, playing a game on your phone, a text from a friend, or spending time with your pet)

Process Your Emotions

It can bring up all sorts of emotions when thinking about masking. Maybe it’s scary to think of unmasking, maybe you’re sad or angry to think of how much you’ve kept hidden, or maybe this is all a bit of a revelation for you and it’s a little bit exciting. These are all perfectly normal emotions. Especially if you’re just realising you might be neurodivergent, it will take some time to work through all these feelings.

Give yourself space to explore them. Acknowledge the feelings and write them down or find someone you trust to help you work through them. Counselling can help you make sense of these difficult emotions and normalise them for you.

Emotional Regulation

As masking can really take its toll on your mind and body, it’s important that you find ways to help yourself regulate.

Grounding techniques like breathing or mindfulness exercises can help with helping your body feel more regulated.

Take a look at my 3 Mindful Moments or my 5 Tips for Preventing Burnout for some ideas.

Unmasking or Creating Different Masks

So we’ve established that a certain amount of masking happens for a lot of people in life. But that ND masking is a survival strategy. As you build your self awareness you might be able to slowly unmask in some situations but in others it might not feel safe to unmask. This is perfectly normal and a symptom of growing up in a neurotypical world not built for you.

Maybe you could have a think about the type of mask you have created without knowing it. What does it look like? Who are you with your mask on?

Now think about ways you could possibly make a mask that still makes you feel safer, but feels more aligned with your authentic self. Can you create a softer mask perhaps? One where you allow some of the vulnerability out but in small steps, seeing how it feels with people you feel safest with? Of course this is only if it feels comfortable and safe to do so.

This is always a gradual process and you might find it helpful to have a therapist alongside to help you. It can be incredibly helpful to have a neurodivergent therapist who understands some of your life experiences in this area, that’s why Newglade is a fully neurodivergent team and we’re passionate about providing affirming therapy to all our clients. Take a look at some of our resources in the shop such as our Neuro Cards which can help you explore your neurodivergent traits either with the help of a counsellor/coach or on your own.

Amy is the lead counsellor and founder of Newglade Counselling, a team of neurodivergent therapists specialising in working with Autistic and ADHD clients and their families. Amy also provides parent support sessions, clinical supervision and delivers training in therapy and neurodivergence. For more information about Newglade’s services and to keep updated, sign up to our mailing list here.